classified listings translator
 

looking for a job? ever wonder what some of those catch phrases mean? let me help you out a bit, having been around the block a few times...

What they say.....................................what they mean
advancement opportunity........................**** job
entry level............................................r eal **** job
no experience necessary.........................the mother of all **** jobs
administrative assistant...........................**** job with a title
room to grow!........................................in the dictionary, under "**** job", you'll find this one
ground floor opportunity...........................**** job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
progressive company...............................employees get to wear "business casual" every other Friday
team player...........................................m ust deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
upbeat personality..................................must neither threaten us with a lawsuit of any kind nor use the drug and rehab benefit within the first year
word processing skills req.........................there's a crippling case of carpal tunnel in your future
public relations.......................................re ceptionist
professional appearance...........................a $20k per year job that requires a $100k per year wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner........................Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK
Earn up to $300/hour!..............................Be 1-900-SUCK
Salary range $24k-32k.............................The salary is $24,000. Throw in the bonuses you'll never get and the incentives you'll never reach and...
Jeans job!.............................................M inimum wage temp job in prison chain-gang conditions
Will train............................................. ...Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
BA required, MA preferred.........................Must be an MA willing to work on a BA's salary
Civil service........................................... This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women & minorities encouraged to apply.....White males need not waste the stamp
Outstanding benefits package....................the minimum health insurance that you have to contribute to and pay $50 copay to see a doctor
Tons of variety!......................................We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one job
Top-notch communication skills..................Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive location..........Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
Secretary......................................... ......Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker and the occasional grope from the male boss
Executive secretary..................................The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated......................................... ......You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement in a low salary position
Salary commensurate................................We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable......................................We 'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary.....................................We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job, and not one penny more
Competitive starting salary..........................Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere..................................A staff of "Stepford Wives"
Professional atmosphere..............................Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere............................Zombie pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere...................................Zombi e "Stepford Wives" from hell
Gal Friday............................................ .....Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self-starter........................................... ...Open to broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

believe it or not, this is actually part of a class in several higher learning institutions.

I like these ones lol...

team player...........................................m ust deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
upbeat personality..................................must neither threaten us with a lawsuit of any kind nor use the drug and rehab benefit within the first year
word processing skills req.........................there's a crippling case of carpal tunnel in your future

LOL @ Zombie pod people from hell

LOL@ Zombie "Stepford Wives" from hell!