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11-19-2006, 06:52 PM
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#1
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Queen of Destruction / NJFBOA Supporting Sponsor / Moderator / 12 Second Club / 2006 Member of the Year / PITA
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: I dunno..
Posts: 8,327
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oldie but goodie... oil changing instructions.
mine are similar to the instructions for women, except that one needs to replace 'jiffy lube' with 'friends house,' who then goes through most of the steps in the instructions for men.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileages reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
- Oil Changed $20.00
- Cup of Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==============================================
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop at 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a cehck for $20, drive home.
3)Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6)In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in the pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can see his new garage door opener.
18 ) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out fomr underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forhead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidently crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test Drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Cal loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts $50.00
- DUI $2500.00
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1500.00
- Beer $40.00
Total $4165.00
But you know the job was done right!!
__________________
We're a drinking team with a racing problem.
Last edited by 79CamaroDiva; 11-19-2006 at 06:53 PM.
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11-19-2006, 07:12 PM
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#2
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11 second club / Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: West Berlin, NJ
Posts: 7,148
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that is old, but the version i had didnt have the getting pulled over part
__________________
2001 Trans Am WS6 •SLP Loudmouth II •UMI Suspension •12.857 @ 109.57
1996 Trans Am WS6 •Pacesetter Longtubes •Strange 12 Bolt •Spohn Suspension •11.152 @ 123.85
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11-19-2006, 07:19 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 3,530
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lmao that was great.
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11-19-2006, 07:24 PM
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#4
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15 Second Club
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vineland
Posts: 6,621
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haha thats great, never seen it before
__________________
- Founder of the bunny
- Pancake Bunny Club Member #3
OG!
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11-19-2006, 07:26 PM
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#5
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Keyboard Tough Guy
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Trenton, NJ
Posts: 6,341
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11-19-2006, 07:26 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ramsey, NJ
Posts: 1,140
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11-19-2006, 07:29 PM
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#7
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Power Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Old Bridge, NJ
Posts: 2,415
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11-19-2006, 07:43 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Haledon, NJ
Posts: 5,162
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I never saw it before either
__________________
1989 IROC-Z 355 LT1 T56 Swapped
2016 Chevy Colorado LT 3.6 v6
2008 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo 4.7L RIP 12/29/2016
1998 Honda CBR 600F3
2003 Yamaha FX140
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11-19-2006, 08:05 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Boston/North
Posts: 9,214
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__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by BonzoHansen
dumbass.
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11-19-2006, 08:37 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 120
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I love it how you finally get done reading the funny stuff and the first post you get is "That is old..." and i hate when i read "REPOST NOOB..." get a life
__________________
95' Supercharger (removed) Z28 *totaled*
94' Z28 -Supercharged-
94' Camaro parts car
89' Camaro RS 350
87' Pontiac Firebird Formula 350 TPI
93' Cavalier Z24! Daily Driver
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11-19-2006, 08:44 PM
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#11
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Banned Camp Director Emeritus
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Somerset County
Posts: 8,395
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 79CamaroDiva
But you know the job was done right!!
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**** yeah!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by baddest434
and 1 more smart ass answer by you and i'm going to reach into this monitor and grab you by the throat
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11-19-2006, 09:47 PM
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#12
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Co-Founder / Site Admin
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Ewing, NJ
Posts: 22,473
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- Justin
__________________
1999 Camry - Beigemobile DD
2002 Suburban - Wife's DD
2004 Grand Cherokee - Not running / Project / Selling?
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11-19-2006, 10:42 PM
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#13
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2007 Member of the Year
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seabrook, TX
Posts: 14,281
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian
Quote:
Originally Posted by 79CamaroDiva
But you know the job was done right!!
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**** yeah!
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__________________
WF=DF
Kommandant of the ACL (Anti Canadian League)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LTb1ow
Junk the pos, spend the money on beer, acquire headache.
Same result cept this headache doesnt last months.
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11-20-2006, 11:54 PM
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#14
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15 Second Club
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Vineland
Posts: 6,621
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Savage_Messiah
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian
**** yeah!
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__________________
- Founder of the bunny
- Pancake Bunny Club Member #3
OG!
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11-21-2006, 12:48 AM
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#15
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: South Plainfield, NJ
Posts: 131
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brando56894
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savage_Messiah
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shutup brandon you couldnt find the oil drain plug if your life depended on it
__________________
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11-21-2006, 01:22 AM
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#16
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American Road Warrior
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Wastelands of NJ
Posts: 6,116
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Gotta have mo' beer!
__________________
unstable bob gable: LEGENDARY LEGEND,
ICONIC ICON, AND AMERICAN BAD AZZ!!!
1991 Dodge Spirit R/T: Gran'pa lookin' 150+ mph turbo rocket.
2013 Dodge Avenger RT: Wastelands cruiser.
2008 Crown Vic Police Interceptor: 'Nuff said!
THE ONLY THING THAT SUCKS WORSE THEN IMPORTS ARE RICED OUT IMPORTS!!!
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11-21-2006, 02:15 AM
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#17
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12 Second Club
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Burlington County
Posts: 1,850
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i properly maintain that jeep
__________________
James
2008 Chevy Silverado LTZ Vortec Max
Superlift/BMF/Toyo/EFI Live/K&N/Cherry Bomb/Pioneer/Alpine/Bose/and more
2001 Chevy Camaro SS SOM build #487 12.44 @ 107.92 *SOLD*
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11-21-2006, 08:07 AM
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#18
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Queen of Destruction / NJFBOA Supporting Sponsor / Moderator / 12 Second Club / 2006 Member of the Year / PITA
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: I dunno..
Posts: 8,327
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmyboy8301
i properly maintain that jeep
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.. which explains the rod knock all of a sudden...
__________________
We're a drinking team with a racing problem.
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11-21-2006, 03:47 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 9
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That was good. The only part I don't agree with is taking TWO days to do an oil change. Once I start on something like that, I keep at it till it's done.
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11-21-2006, 11:38 PM
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#20
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12 Second Club
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Burlington County
Posts: 1,850
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 79CamaroDiva
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmyboy8301
i properly maintain that jeep
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.. which explains the rod knock all of a sudden...
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operator error.
__________________
James
2008 Chevy Silverado LTZ Vortec Max
Superlift/BMF/Toyo/EFI Live/K&N/Cherry Bomb/Pioneer/Alpine/Bose/and more
2001 Chevy Camaro SS SOM build #487 12.44 @ 107.92 *SOLD*
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